Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka is a disturbing man. Just look at him! That scraggly brown hair, that crazed smile; it's giving me the heebie-jeebies already!

Biography
They say nobody knows Willy Wonka's history. Whoever "They" are, Wonka's history is constantly debated. Some say he was the neglected son of a barber. Others think he is a manifestation of the misdemeanors of children. Still others don't give a crap at all. I certainly don't.

Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
Willy Wonka makes his fortune by using Oompa-Loompa slave labor in order to make cheap mass-produced chocolates. His signature snack, the Wonka Bar, is said to be the world's greatest candy bar. Here's a tip: it's not.

Willy Wonka also uses his factory in order to torture naughty children for his enjoyment. Wonka is more than willing to use his failed candy experiments on these naughty children; one girl is reported to have grown into a giant blue ball! Willy Wonka could invite good-behaving children to visit his factory, but that would be no fun, would it?